Monday, September 24, 2007

1 in 166

What's been going on?.....

One in just so many things. I sometimes escape. Sometimes I run to it with wide arms and smiles. I love it, and it terrifies me. It breaks me into pieces. It blesses me in so many ways...every single day.

It is autism.

In the last ten days, we have had:
* Parent Night...being the parent of the classroom's "difficult child." The child who suddenly becomes overwhelmed, breaks down and cries or throws his papers on the floor in the middle of class. Who can't stop making noises. And all I want to do is help people understand him...knowing I am a good mom.
* Crying episodes in the car on the way home from eight-year-old wondering why he just can't keep it all together, calling himself a dummy, and in five minutes completely oblivious to the meltdown.
* Making yellow, wooden safety signs for the front yarn to try to remind the sweet little person with no concept of cars or safety that...even though Mom is sitting at the end of the driveway...he has to learn to watch for cars on his bike.
* Angry and mean...thinking he is a grown up. Sometimes having to literally pick him up from the floor to talk to him.
* Five to fifteen minutes collapsing in misery every morning before school because he has to wear socks and sneakers to P.E...socks that have ridges in the toes and hurt his feet. And long-sleeved shirts that must fit directly at the wrist...not a half-an-inch too long or too short.

It has been busy. Long talks with the Special Ed case worker. Sitting in the parking lot with him sobbing and talking through the afternoon meltdowns with his school aide. Communication logs. After school meltdowns. IEP meetings to come.

Sorry if I've been a little out of sorts. It is all good...really it is! It is something I am used to...but I need to re-get-used-to time and time again. But I remind myself that this is not severe autism at all. Asperger's Syndrome is still not as difficult as it could be. He is loving. He's way smart. And he is so talkative. But the challenges are staring me down every day.

And I just looooove this kid so much. I just need to veg out sometimes. Get my head straight. Eat some cookies. Knit a bit.

And, of course, I had to write all weekend...literally. But I'm taking a few days to mellow. And knit.

I'll fill you in on some knitting this week. I'm excited about some progress...slow, but steady.

Hugs to everyone! Just want you to know that everything is good here...we're just keeping the train on the day at a time.

Luv, Bel


Miranda said...

I knew you didn't recognize me! You smiled and waved but the smile had a hint of "who on earth is this crazy girl, and why is she waving at me?"

I come home from class on Tuesday/Thursday's at 3:15, so I'm sure you'll be seeing plenty more of me :)

You know, autism has been in the news a lot lately, I've noticed.

Gina said...

I just love your kids...I know it's hard...see you tomorrow.

~Raven said...

Hugs from me in Utah. Didn't realize your life hon. But you have my number if you ever just want to vent... use it! It may have gotten lost somewhere in the email again! If I were closer we would have a girl's day, spa, coffee shop, shopping, and a funny movie! Keep your head up! And eat a cookie for me would ya! Take care of you and yours!

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful mom and don't ever forget it! Those of us with children blessed without health issues are amazed at your strength and courage. I know of several parents in the area with children who have different types of autism. I think it's great that you can talk about it and help the rest of us understand it.

Mimi said...

Oh Bel, i know. You are so strong, even when you feel like your not. So many parents are feeling the same way as you too. Your not alone, and it seems like you have a lot of support, and love surrounding you all. I LOVE YOU !! MIss you girl, miss you a lot.

Heather said...

As a mom with a 14 yr old son with Asperger's, I understand your pain, frustration and hopes for your child. I'm willing to talk with you anytime.

Allison said...


I don't know it hadn't occured to me yet... but VCOM does a respite program for parents with kids that have special needs. It's run by a pediatrician, so there's a doctor there, and you can take all the kids and drop them off once a month, so you can have time to yourself and the hubby, go grocery shopping, whatever you need to get done for a couple hours. I know there is at least one other kids with Asperger's that goes on a regular basis.

Anyway... here's a little more info

email me at if you have questions. They kids usually have a really great time because they get to play and have fun. :-)

Hope things get a little less crazy soon.

Bel said...

Thanks, everyone! I really am way cool with everything...I just need some chill out time. And sometimes I avoid the computer...wonder why??? (making evil-type face...with a "grrrrr" for a mouth...thinking about the writing job....)

M2....miss you a lot, too. We need another chick night.

Raven...I need to send you an email! Did you write recently?? If you need and you still have your "sent" mail, please re-send! I thought I saw something from you and then my bulk is gone. Something is messed up on the computer.

Anonymous...thanks, whoever you are! long has he known/been diagnosed? I love talking to other moms...the comparisons are so interesting. I worry tons about what he will be like at 14...I'd love to have coffee with you!!

Allison said...


There's a girl on America's Next Top Model (yes I love trashy TV...) who has Asperger's... it made me think of you.

Miss you!!!

Hope all is well in Bburg.

Heather said...

My son was diagnosed just two years ago. We homeschooled him until then and just KNEW he was "different", but it wasn't a big deal UNTIL we sent him off for middle school. MAJOR adjustment issues/social anxiety problems ensued, requiring us to have him evaluated. Having a diagnosis helped us to better understand him and, in retrospect, explained a lot of his behaviors growing up.

Email me at brownhh at and we can talk more.

Anonymous said...

Have you considered using a little knit time to make some socks without ridges? I started knitting socks because nothing I bought my child would stop the complaining about that awful seam. Some children are very sensitive. My daughter has been wearing handknit socks for 8 years. =) The complaints stopped, one small problem solved.

Miranda said...

BEL! Want to go to a ten o'clock showing of Across the Universe with me and some of my friends?! Tonight! (Friday 10-19)

~Raven said...

Hugs again from Utah! Sent email today. Haven't seen or heard anything from you and was concerned!

Miranda said...

update! update! update!

Nora said...

Delurking to say that I'm thinking of you - and I think you're a grwat mum.


Nora said...

That should read: I think you're a GREAT mum! [Typos!]